Des blagues et des faits réels trouvés un peu partout sur le net.
Apparently the loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for a while. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans-mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS:
LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!
Followed shortly afterward by:
ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"
Hot-Shot Pilot
A young guy in an F-14 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid."
Excuses...
An Israeli air force Helicopter was sent to rescue a wounded sailor off an Israeli Navy ship in the Mediterranean. The mission took longer than expected and the Helicopter was running dangerously low on fuel. Spotting an American carrier the pilot immediately landed on it. When asked what the hell he though he was doing he replied, "I thought it was one of ours".
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
Amat victoria curam. (Catulle) La victoire aime l'effort
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
dis moi que ce n'est pas vraiment passé !
- >Be Quick, be Quiet, and be on Time < - Clarence L. Kelly Johnson
A young guy in an F-14 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"
"I just shut down two engines, kid.".
Ca me rappelle quelque chose ça ...
° C'est tous des p'tits jokers ces contrôleurs ...
ABORT, ABORT !
[quote="TooCool_12f"]la blague du F-14 et B-52 a existe au vietnam avec un F-4 et un B-52 ]
Sauf que le gars ne coupait pas deux réacteurs mais répondait au pil du F4 qui attendait quelque chose de visible :"j'ai bu un café et j'ai été pisser un coup"...
Un pilote de F15 saoudien est sélectionné ($$$$) pour voler sur la navette.
A son retour, il souffre d’un mal étrange. Ses avant-bras sont bleus et très douloureux. Très intrigué, le corps médical le met en quarantaine à son retour au pays.
La couleur de ses bras se met à changer en virant au marron. Il fait donc l’objet d’un débriefing plus poussé pendant lequel il semble très déçu de son expérience.
- Qu’a tu fais pendant la mission ?
- j’ai regardé le paysage par le hublot, j’ai mangé, j’ai dormi….
-Et au niveau travail ? Qu’as-tu fais comme expériences qui pourraient t’avoir mis dans cet état ?
-non, je n’ai pas fait d’expérience…
-Ha ? Rien de rien ?
-non
-Ben… t’as fait quoi alors, tu pilotais ?
- Non, à chaque fois que je voulais toucher à un switch ou aux commandes, ils me tapaient sur les bras en disant « touche pas et va regarder le paysage !!! »
Petite histoire racontée en saoudie par un pilote de TORNADO (UK) il y a quelques années.
pelican72 a écrit :
Je crois qu'on dit Arabie Saoudite et non pas Saoudie.
C'est un abus de language de ma part. En anglais on dit Saudi Arabia, qui devient très vite saudi. Et en bon français, les racourcis sont aussi plus rapides, je dis depuis des années saoudie.
Je pense même qu'en bon français on doit dire Arabie Séoudite.
Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95
no. 1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
no. 2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
no. 1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
no. 2: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
no. 1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY, DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
no. 2: This is a lighthouse, Your Call.
no. 1: ...
Seems that Tom was working local with a nervous FPL watching over his shoulder. He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a mile final, with a commuter holding short for departure release.
"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud. The FPL could see that there might just *barely* enough time to make it work if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom make his own mistakes since that's the only way for a guy to learn. Still, the FPL couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear, "If this works, Tom, it'll be a miracle!"
Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for immediate." What actually comes out of his mouth (in one of the great Freudian slips of all time) is: "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for a miracle."
There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and the then commuter pilot says, "Tower, I think under the circumstances we'd better just hold short. I don't feel quite that lucky."
True Story: At the Oceana, Va, Naval Air Station, I was training a young ground-crew member on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit. I glanced over to check wing clearance and, when looked back, discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward from the fuel hose to reach.
"You'll have to send him around again," I informed the trainee.
"What?" he said, surprised. "They spend millions on these things and you can't put them in reverse?"
La bible des mécano aéronautiques
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Target Radar hums."
Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode"
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem 2: "No. 1, No. 3, and No. 4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Roaches in galley."
Solution: "Fed and watered roaches"
Problem: "Laboratory mice loose in bag bin."
Solution: "No cat this station."
Problem: "Aircraft handles FUNNY."
Solution: "Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious."
Problem :"UHF does not work in OFFicial mode."
Solution: " Found short between the headphones."
Problem: "Anti Collision Strobe Intermitently on."
Solution: "Removed and Replaced Side Stick Actuator."
Problem: "Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor with a hammer."
Solution: "Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it again."
Problem: "Bugs smashed on canopy."
Solution: "Gave bugs coffee and told them to move along."
Tower (Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery): German Air Force 269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take-off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation. Read back.
Pilot (GAF 269): Roger, German Air Force 269 is cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take-off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept j158 own navigation, and I need another pencil.
Amat victoria curam. (Catulle) La victoire aime l'effort
Frenchie a écrit :
Je pense même qu'en bon français on doit dire Arabie Séoudite.
En bon français on peut utiliser Saoudite ou Séoudite. Les deux sont justes.
Talon Karde Du Talon de qualité, élevé au grain et en plein air, entièrement livré en kit.
Razbam Lover se lustrant le manche sur DCS: Mirage 2000C et DCS: F-15E Mes autres avions prennent la rouille
MayDay-MayDay a écrit :
Problem: "Sounds like little man is beating on the bottom of the floor with a hammer."
Solution: "Took hammer from man and made him promise not to do it again."
Existe aussi en version longue (et avec le moteur gauche) :
Problème : Il y a un bruit au moteur gauche comme si un type tapait avec un petit marteau.
Solution : Petit marteau confisqué au type du moteur gauche.
Problème : Il y a une sorte de gémissement qui provient du moteur gauche.
Solution : Petit marteau rendu au type du moteur gauche.
!
se lustrant le manche sur 
